I'm about to confess everything and it won't be the prettiest, but it will be the truth.
I honestly do not understand the meaning of life. Most times I have to stream memories to get a glimpse of what I should do...only to still be wrong. Will I ever get it right? From the depths of my soul, the universe sees me trying...the fatigue is not an excuse, yet a further indicator that I am doing all the right things at the wrong time. Once again.
These tainted emotions have me wondering if I'm coming or going. Depression has me wrapped up in a blanket of endless sorrow constantly thinking I'm not good enough & hypothesizing the world would be better off without me; how could I ever have thought that way? But it's a process. A process I'm learning to find my way out of and the maze is longer than the Nile. A mind conflicted and a heart wrapped in stitches. I'm always rebreaking it. And the story goes on.
The mornings are late, for I sleep so much to not have to deal with life in general. My dreams and my life slipping back into the abyss I thought I had pulled myself completely out of once before. However, here I am. Again. Everyone around me is living. I'm secretly dying inside and trying to find a way to scream for help to no avail. Because pride is real.
The nights are long, for insomnia has become my new best friend. I stay up late writing and contemplating how to make a full 360. Something keeps telling me I will have to cut some ties & cry some tears, but in the end it will be well worth it.
In realizing the reality, I only want to make the arrangements that will allow me to grasp what is left of my sanity and redirect my steps onto the right path. I've apologized before and now is time for action. It is time for change. I don't have any time left for the inconsistent. This depression has to cease before my mind does; I've been waiting for a sign, and trying to hide it behind smiles. The fake life isn't my life and I have to drag myself together piece by piece just to make another appearance that is not my own. Now is the time to let it be known: I can't bare the secrecy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
...just another note in my diary...
...this story continues next time, on Letters to You...
x's & o's
Rae <3
 |
