So...here I stand...
Apologizing for the coldness as I put my hand to the mirror. I know I left you hanging and made it seem as if I didn't care. You are my first priority; without your strength nothing else matters. The weight of the world became too much and I slipped into an abyss...yet still holding on I managed to escape it. Now as I focus on your inner beauty, I'm aware I need to do some damage control. Maintaining and sustaining has always been your strengths, but I see the cracks in the glass...as your demeanor weakens and your eyes fill with tears, I apologize for not becoming aware sooner.
Placing my hand upon the mirror, I apologize for the wreckage...the hurricane came through and wiped away the last bit of self we knew. Tempting to place blame upon outside sources but I only have myself. Not allowing you to be yourself; boxing you in, suppressing your truth. I should have known I couldn't count on anyone but you. I should have trusted you more than I did; I should have allowed you to guide me in the directions right for me. Instead I allowed you to be taken advantage of; lied to; cheated & abandoned. I apologize for the hell I put you through while trying to experience what I thought was a piece of heaven only to find out I was living in hell.
So...here I am. Begging for your forgiveness as I try to wipe the slate clean; I am drowning in misunderstanding and trying to grasp the concepts of self love over everything else. I understand that without you, I am no one. Because you were me before I knew who I was. Looking into the reflection, I once knew the beauty and understood her every flaw. Now, I must work in order to relearn her strengths and weaknesses. She's waiting. And I'm ready.
As I grab a paper towel and the bottle of windex, I wipe the mirror clean. I can see you better now. I am ready to start this journey, now. I am better for all the wrongs I've committed because now I know what not to do. I just felt I'd take this moment to apologize to you. For you did not ask to be placed within the depths of despair only to be left dangling from a cliff wondering if I were ever going to come to my senses and rescue you. You did not ask to be leveled off in a playing field of average players because you're better than average and you deserve that: better. I am going to prioritize you everyday from this day forward, for I am nothing without you and I understand this concept better now than ever before. I want you to know I am not just saying "I'm sorry"; I am staking claim to all the misfortune I've bestowed upon you by making the decisions in the past I made and the ones I've only recently decided were bad for us. You are my strength. You...you have assisted me throughout this pit of hell and brought me out with blemishes and scars and cuts and bruises...nonetheless, I'm still here. And that alone says you still love me.
I'm still here. Thank you for pressing that button and staying on 'stand by' as you watched me in silence, though never actually remaining silent. I mustered up enough courage to apologize and step up to make things right. This mirror image is becoming a lot clearer. Thank you for remaining persistent. Your persistence keeps me consistent. I appreciate your candor. You never gave up. Now it's my turn to prove I've not completely given up on you, despite my past; I am not her. We are here. We will rebuild. We will regrow. We will. Together. We will.
...this story continues next time, on Letters to You...
x's & o's
Rae <3
