A breath of fresh air; the final blow was another lesson learned to say the least. As you progressed into a new chapter, I tried my best to undermine the message. Not accepting the news, I tried to hide it. However, you knew more than what you allowed me to see. Showing me only bits and pieces, I had to put the puzzle together. As the bruises began to heal and the band-aids were ripped off, I began to understand the real you. I began to begin again...start a new chapter...and it was not news to you, for you already knew what was needed and how everything needed to play out.
Like a house of cards, I allowed you to just crumble. On the ground, I had to pick you up and restart the process of reconstructing the blueprints. Your smile kept me humble and your attention to detail kept me alert. I loved you more than yesterday and I will begin to love you more than today, tomorrow. I'm still learning. Forgive me for my lack of awareness, for I know now what I should have known then and I am constantly progressing.
Like reaching for the stars just to land on the moon, I had taken for granted the small things. As you tried to express yourself, I tried to shut you out. I will not allow you to be silenced again. You are my muse and the only inspiration I have ever needed. I apologize it took me so long to see it.
Going forward, I hope you can forgive me for my inconsistency and my inability to love you for who you truly were...who you are. All of your imperfections are perfect and your strength is beyond unwavering. You allowed me to make the mistakes that lead us here without interference or strife. You allowed me to make comprehensive decisions although there were times I didn't fully comprehend the circumstances. I understand why now. You wanted me to learn your weaknesses. And realize your strengths...and I appreciate the freedom. I respect your decision to let me make those mistakes...those choices. And I appreciate even more your current stance where you're determined to assist me in not making the same mistakes or bad choices again in the future.
As I see you coming into your own, I can only pray I allow you to breathe the fresh air instead of dimming your shine and keeping you locked away. You've always been beautiful to me. I apologize it's taken me so long to see just how much.
My apologies...but thank you.
You truly are a god send. You've saved the little bit of life I had left plenty of nights. I thank you. For never letting me give up on us. I thank you. Thank you.
...this story continues next time, on Letters to You...
x's & o's,
Rae <3
As she braces herself for another cold winter, the fog began to encompass her very being. She's made of every bit of strength her mother could muster and courage her father left when he did. She was broken long before she knew the meaning and though puzzles were her friend, her own maze of a mind was grasping and clenching the last bit of sanity she knew. Recycling the cycle as she tries to remember where the pieces belong, she soon realized that sometimes starting over is the best way to start anew.
So...here I stand...
Apologizing for the coldness as I put my hand to the mirror. I know I left you hanging and made it seem as if I didn't care. You are my first priority; without your strength nothing else matters. The weight of the world became too much and I slipped into an abyss...yet still holding on I managed to escape it. Now as I focus on your inner beauty, I'm aware I need to do some damage control. Maintaining and sustaining has always been your strengths, but I see the cracks in the glass...as your demeanor weakens and your eyes fill with tears, I apologize for not becoming aware sooner.
Placing my hand upon the mirror, I apologize for the wreckage...the hurricane came through and wiped away the last bit of self we knew. Tempting to place blame upon outside sources but I only have myself. Not allowing you to be yourself; boxing you in, suppressing your truth. I should have known I couldn't count on anyone but you. I should have trusted you more than I did; I should have allowed you to guide me in the directions right for me. Instead I allowed you to be taken advantage of; lied to; cheated & abandoned. I apologize for the hell I put you through while trying to experience what I thought was a piece of heaven only to find out I was living in hell.
So...here I am. Begging for your forgiveness as I try to wipe the slate clean; I am drowning in misunderstanding and trying to grasp the concepts of self love over everything else. I understand that without you, I am no one. Because you were me before I knew who I was. Looking into the reflection, I once knew the beauty and understood her every flaw. Now, I must work in order to relearn her strengths and weaknesses. She's waiting. And I'm ready.
As I grab a paper towel and the bottle of windex, I wipe the mirror clean. I can see you better now. I am ready to start this journey, now. I am better for all the wrongs I've committed because now I know what not to do. I just felt I'd take this moment to apologize to you. For you did not ask to be placed within the depths of despair only to be left dangling from a cliff wondering if I were ever going to come to my senses and rescue you. You did not ask to be leveled off in a playing field of average players because you're better than average and you deserve that: better. I am going to prioritize you everyday from this day forward, for I am nothing without you and I understand this concept better now than ever before. I want you to know I am not just saying "I'm sorry"; I am staking claim to all the misfortune I've bestowed upon you by making the decisions in the past I made and the ones I've only recently decided were bad for us. You are my strength. You...you have assisted me throughout this pit of hell and brought me out with blemishes and scars and cuts and bruises...nonetheless, I'm still here. And that alone says you still love me.
I'm still here. Thank you for pressing that button and staying on 'stand by' as you watched me in silence, though never actually remaining silent. I mustered up enough courage to apologize and step up to make things right. This mirror image is becoming a lot clearer. Thank you for remaining persistent. Your persistence keeps me consistent. I appreciate your candor. You never gave up. Now it's my turn to prove I've not completely given up on you, despite my past; I am not her. We are here. We will rebuild. We will regrow. We will. Together. We will.
...this story continues next time, on Letters to You...
x's & o's
Rae <3
